Ever return a movie without seeing it? Of course you have! But what for? Was it defective? Were the first five minutes dreadful? Did you not get around to watching it and not want to pay another night’s fee for it?
Well, sometimes making the decision to leave grad school feels like I returned a movie without seeing the whole thing. Almost as if I fell asleep for the last 30 minutes, but knew I wouldn’t have time to watch it and didn’t want an additional $1.58 taken from my account. I know that makes me sound weak, but would it seem more understandable if I had $13 in my account? Of course, every cent counts when your account is that low, and to be honest, my mental account was that though. I was so mentally drained, it didn’t matter how close I was, I was falling asleep to what felt like a nightmare.
I’m not trying to conclude that my thinking was on point, only explain where it was coming from. I realize today that I only jumped ship to find myself in another ship that is not quite the right build for me.
Last night I randomly signed in and reread my posts. As I reread my entries, although few in number, I actually felt wisdom from my past self lifting me up and providing me with hope and perspective. Ergo, I return to my blog posts, to impart my reflections and revelations if not on anyone but my future self.
I’m back! 🙂