Am I in grad school or kindergarten?

From what I remember of my kindergarten experience, I did not suffer from “first school experience nerves”. This pattern of lack-of-nerves continued throughout K-12 and even undergrad. Every new building brought upon more excitement than nerves and I always felt ready to move on and upward each and every time.

Now, for the first time, I have experienced what some people must feel like when they leave their mom’s at the bus stop to go to kindergarten, or when their parents drop them off for college…FEAR.

I never thought I would ever be afraid of school. School has always been a safety net; something I am definitely good at. Not any more! And oh, what an inconvenience that is! My fear of failure here at grad school is something I wish to get rid of and quickly.

It has been a very long time since I have felt this co-dependent and somewhat needy. Yup, needy, I think I have managed to suffocate my mom these last few weeks and she lives 2.5 hours from where I am going to school.

But my mom can’t walk me through this experience. No one can. Except maybe…God. If I can strengthen my faith so that I may let go of my fear, give it up to God, if I can do this, then perhaps I will begin to settle in, feel comfortable and move on and upward.

Ready or not, I am here, and I can only hope I have not been accepted to a PhD program simply to fail right out of it. God has a plan for me, and it is a good one. So hopefully I learn to listen and trust Him.


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